“Where there is great doubt, there will be great awakening;
small doubt, small awakening, no doubt, no awakening.”-Zen Proverb
It seems lately my life is filled with doubt. But it is a weird doubt. Intellectually and objectively, I know I am a good musician and guitar player. I know in my mind that I am intelligent, have a pretty decent sense of humor, and have some unique talents.
But this doubt has been more subjective. I know these things to be true, but lately I have been feeling “off” and not myself. It’s sort of an intense frustration. I keep questioning my abilities, my future, my beliefs and what makes me who I am. Is my brain malfunctioning and giving me wrong information? Have I been doing it all wrong? Or am I just doing it wrong right now? It’s as if I am watching a movie of someone playing myself in some weird strange role, and they are doing a really, really shitty job at it.
But one interesting thing about it all is that I can feel something intense and completely awesome inside me that is about to manifest. I have no idea what the hell it is going to be, but the only thing I can do is to keep being autotelic. And to keep on playing the good ole gee-tar.
Have you ever felt this way before?
I’d love to hear some stories about your lives if you have in the comments!
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1 response so far ↓
1 MANOUE // Sep 20, 2011 at 5:51 am
Hey man!
As I was reading your post I identified with almost all of it!
This intense frustration comes coupled with a number of other problems for me, usually self-doubt and uncertainty reigns in blood! Ugh! Hate it!
I also find that people in life who dare to improve themselves or expand their abilities will almost always have a great number of challenges and growing pains on the way up! So in the words of AC/DC: “It’s a long way to the top if you wanna rock ‘n roll” And even the Dhali Lama: “On the road to enlightenment, you chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, you chop wood and carry water.”
The important thing for me was always to keep track of the dream, goal, hope, or whatever it is that gets you practicing every day! Love for the instrument is mostly what I need to know that things are going to be okay. I am also a huge supporter of the autotelic school and rely solely on other connections, whether it be spriritual, intellectual, emotional, psysical and all the other -als which comprise growth and personal development to channel my art.
Thank you for all the insight, truly inspiring!
From sunny South Africa!
Peace
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